Positive Universe Abstracts

by Don Nash

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE LAND MORALITY FORGOT! Dateline-behind the Zion Curtain.

This just in. Senator Orrin G. Hatch has announced from his swank office suite high atop the U.S. Senate Chambers, “big plans for coal, radioactive waste, Private Fuel Storage Inc., and Murray Energy Company.� Hatch along with Robert Murray, owner of Murray Energy, and Kevin Stricklin of MSHA, have devised a plan that will revolutionize the coal mining industry and the storage of radioactive waste in the United States (MSHA is the Mine Safety and Health Administration). Kevin Stricklin is just your run-of-the-mill government flunky and sycophant supreme and his presence is necessary only for the sake of pseudo-governmental imprimatur.

Messrs. Hatch, Murray, Stricklin, and some guys in ties from Private Fuel Storage, made their startling disclosure this very day (it just happens to be Labor Day and doesn’t that just figure!). Hatch unveils his genius idea and it goes something like this-

Private Fuel Storage has an inordinate amount of spent fuel rods from nuclear generation plants hither and yon across these United States. Robert Murray has several now non-functional coal mines hither and yon across these United States. Several of Murray’s mines are now in an advanced state of closure due to some inconvenient “cave-insâ€? and are therefore, off limits for the present and problematic to say the least. So to dispose of at least two of Hatch’s more “pressingâ€? problems, what the beneficent Senator proposes to do is pump spent fuel rods into Murray’s now closed and dysfunctional coal mines. The blending of ‘cave-in’ coal and spent nuclear fuel rods will produce a dynamic and hyper-powerful form of coal. Hatch plans to call the new coal, “turbo-coal.â€? See? It’s sheer genius and solves problems. Hatch is about “solutionsâ€? if Hatch is about anything.

The injection of spent nuclear fuel rods into collapsed coal mines will turn previously smushed coal into a kind of nuclear coalitic slush and will therefore, be able to be pumped from “dangerous� mining scenarios and won’t really put any miners “lives� in any jeopardy whatsoever. Now comes the best part of Hatch’s brilliant plan.

Hatch along with Murray and Stricklin, have “redesigned� mining and government regulations to allow for the pumping and possible mining processes to be performed by “migrant children.� You see? That Orrin G. Hatch is thinking all the time. According to Hatch, “migrant children are supremely expendable and an unnecessary annoyance to white society and the Minutemen Project.� Hatch really did say “white society.� Hatch will maintain profusely that he said “right society� but, we all heard what he said. Hatch’s plan will benefit migrants, mine owner/operators, nuclear fuel storage problems, and get Kevin Stricklin out of the public spotlight. Strickin is truly out of his league when it comes to MSHA issues and mining disasters in general.

Now, Hatch’s ‘turbo-coal’ will be a new and user-friendly kind of super coal and will give added benefit to power plant generators across these United States. Coal fired power plants won’t have to burn as much of Hatch’s turbo-coal and America won’t have so many pesky spent nuclear fuel rods laying around radioactively burning the very ground they’re stored on. We’ll all be able to “breath� a little better at night. We’ll all have an excess capacity of electricity to burn those night lights with. The lights will “glow� a little brighter after the start up of Hatch’s plan. Yes friends, Hatch and the American political/corporate buddy system working hand in hand for the future of a growing America. Be sure and watch for “Migrant Mining Mutants and Their Sorely ‘Ugly’ Children� coming soon to a theater near you.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 3rd, 2007 at 1:59 pm and is filed under Commentaries. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.