The Second Coming Was Two Days Ago!
by Don Nash
The Second Coming of Jesus H. Christ came and went about two days ago. The entire planet missed it. Go figure. ABCBSNBCNNMSNBC and all the other “important� media journalism types were busy with other stuff. The “really� important New York Times missed it. The Washington Post missed it. FAUX News missed it and Bill O’Really can’t believe that “he� didn’t get a memo about the unscheduled event. Gosh Meathead, stuff like that happens. Wait, I’m not paying proper deference to old Bill-O. That should read Mr. Meathead.
Yup, the Savior came and left as fast as He came in the ‘second’ place. Get it? Came and went as fast as in the ‘second’ place? Um, never mind. Nonetheless, Jesus came and turned directly around and went back from whence He came. No really. We’ve got it on “official� record.
See, I know this guy that knows this other guy that knows these people and the guy had his people get in touch with that other guy’s people and they “hooked� me up with an “official� spokesperson for God. Allow me to introduce you to one Mr./Ms. Cracker Copeland, “official� spokesperson for God Almighty and Jesus H. Christ. Mr./Ms. Cracker Copeland won’t delineate a specific sexual quality to it’s/his/her personage. Evidently in regards to “heavenly� spokesperson types and a “sexual� preference or “gender� if you want, it doesn’t matter to them in the least and I didn’t know that. So, we (that would be me and Mr./Ms. Cracker Copeland) met and did lunch and Copeland filled me in on all the rather startling details of Jesus’ Return and subsequent reversal of “the heavenly agenda.� Mr./Ms. Cracker Copeland did set me straight from the git on whom exactly Copeland is spokesperson for. Actually, Copeland is the spokesperson for the Archangel Gabriel. (I didn’t know that at the time but, I know it now) So once we got the tricky little bits out of the way, our soiree proceeded in a delightful manner.
So here’s the skinny. Jesus H. Christ did that old “surprise, surprise it’s Me� gizmo and no one was paying any attention. No one! Not the Evangelicals, not the Puritangelicals, not the Pentecostals, not Pat Robertson, not John Hagee, not Tom Delay, not Newt ‘slimy’ Gingrich, not even G. Bush. Not the Pope, not the Arch-Pope, not the Arch Duke of Earl, and well we all just sort of missed it. Needless to say and this is according to Mr./Ms. Cracker Copeland, “Jesus is none too happy about it.� Evidently and remember this is according to Mr./Ms. Cracker Copeland, “the Christians are entirely too busy with their warmongering and the Pope is too busy with whatever it is that the Pope does and the politicians are too busy with being corrupt and warmongering and the entire planet is just too busy being miserable and therefore, Jesus has washed His hands of the entire nasty lot of you and left.� He might not be back and that’s according to Copeland. Copeland is after all, the “official� spokesperson for the Archangel Gabriel and God.
Now according to our Mr./Ms. Cracker Copeland, “Jesus is just a trifle put off by the human race and Jesus doesn’t wash His hands in jest.� Wow, now there’s some serious irony. So Jesus is “fed up� with the wars and the lying and the corruption and has decided that humanity is “just NOT worth the time nor the effort.� Again, and this is according to Copeland, “most of the planet’s problems are the fault of one George W. Bush.� Yikes, now doesn’t that just speak volumes. Copeland stated that, “Jesus can’t wait to get His hands on Bush and especially Dick Cheney.� Uh oh, you know that can’t be good for old Dick and George. However and all that being said, humanity is still screwed and left without a prayer so to speak. All thanks to one G. Bush. Didn’t you just know that Cheney was some bad news from the start?