Coulda, Woulda, and Shoulda!
by Don Nash
Breaking news just in- University of Colorado at Boulder, has fired tenured professor Mr. Ward Churchill. Golly, now there’s a surprise. The University of Colorado merely upheld the death of academic freedom that has become so prevalent in America under the rule of the rightist morons infesting local, state, and federal government. We’s under assault we is. Bring on the ‘witch trials’ and bring ‘em on damn quick! Burn the books and burn the witches! Yup, America is ready for some good old fashioned witch and book burnings. Just ask Hank ‘browny’ Brown. Hank Brown is so far on the extreme right that old ‘browny’ invented brown shirts. Why, old ‘browny’ had the exclusive right to sell brown shirts to the National Socialist German Workers Party. That was way back when and is “how� old ‘browny’ made his mark and fortune and ergo, ended up as “Chancellor� of Colorado’s petty University.
Now old ‘browny’ has had it in for Mr. Ward Churchill for quite sometime. Oh yeah! Mr. Churchill made some “critical� remarks that rubbed the fascist side of America and Colorado the wrong way so, there’s been hell to pay ever since. The first time that Mr. Churchill clashed with our interminable ‘browny’, old ‘browny’ Brown wanted Churchill slaughtered right on the spot. The spot of course is, the University of Colorado at Boulder.
Brown wanted Mr. Churchill “renditioned� and “detained� at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. If Brown could have had Churchill “tortured� by the CIA well, that would have just been icing on a frosted cake for old ‘browny’. You see, old ‘browny’ is just a mite psychotic and has this “fear� motif controlling his every waking moment. Old ‘browny’ fears that freedom in academia is a threat to America’s well being and security. Hell, we can’t have that now can we. Nope we can’t and therefore, let’s burn the books and burn the witches! If’n America can burn a few “pro-choicers� and “anti-war� types and Ms. Cindy Sheehan in the process, well, how can that possibly be un-American? Well? The University of Colorado does our world a favor by burning Ward Churchill and the right-fascist segment of academia gets the books burned and those nefarious anti-right types. Yup, seems an almost seamless process.
Besides, freedom is dead in America. One should admit to the obvious. Wouldn’t that be the “academic� thing to do? Wait I know, lets ask Hank ‘browny’ Brown. Let’s ask the University of Colorado at Boulder. I can assure you right now that they’ll probably agree. That’s a theory by the by and may well not pass University of Colorado at Boulder’s “litmus� testing protocol. Mr. Ward Churchill certainly couldn’t pass their “academic freedom� litmus test. What a crock of hypocrisy on the part of old ‘browny’ and the University of Colorado at Boulder. They did however get their “man� and so, Mr. Ward Churchill is no longer enemy number one for old C.U. and Hank ‘browny’ Brown.
Ms. Patricia Hayes who is the “chair� of the Colorado Board of Regents stated, “at first I swooned and then I just wet my panties. I was so excited that we were able to get rid of Churchill. He’s a nasty man!� Right Patty baby, so right you are.
At the University of Colorado at Boulder, there are a number of “sporting events� that the students can participate in besides book burnings and the burning of Ward Churchill. Why, the students can “rape cheerleaders� and “take steroids� and emulate the football team and they can champion ignorance and have buffalo barbecues and and pee all over that bulldog that is owned and operated by the University of Georgia. Hmmm, do you think that Georgia would barbecue that bulldog if their football team loses? Yikes, the dog would be stringy even with some slow barbecue. Yes, it’s a proud day for old C.U. and ‘browny’ Brown.
Author’s Note- the preceeding was “vitriolic” satire. That’s my “academic” story and I’m sticking to it!