“NO TRESPASSING!�
by Don Nash
So I awoke last night from this really creepy dream I was having. One of those waking up with the cold sweats kind of dream thing. Then, logical took a turn towards the bizarre. There was this angel standing at the foot of the bed and well, I knew instinctively, this was going from bad to worse than nightmarish. I did the usual pinching one’s self really hard and besides smarting like a sum bitch and probably leaving a nasty bruise, the angel home-boy was still standing there. (are angels properly boys or girls or in some politically correct category that those theology types haven’t enlightened humanity about yet? I’ve always wondered about that.)
The angel spoke directly to me. “I am the Archangel Wally. Thou shalt take up thine pen and the goldenrod paper and write down all that I shall reveal unto thee.�
Oh great, now I’ve got to get up and find a pen and paper and not just any paper, archangel home-boy wants “goldenrod paper.� I’m not certain if I even have any goldenrod paper, but what the hell, it’s probably not a great idea to be questioning archangels giving orders in the middle of the night and besides, I’ve got to slip past this unnerving visitor to find my pen. I’ve always meant to keep a pen and paper by the bed for this kind of occasional oddity. Writers are by nature supposed to be prepared for happenings just like this. Right. Got the pen and the paper and I didn’t know that I had goldenrod paper but, presto, there it was.
The Archangel Wally continues, “blessed be the name of the Lard.� (how come archangels and angels in general always start off some quasi temporal/celestial encounter with that line? By the by, the archangel has an Irish accent.) “The Lard thy God has declared this parcel of the universe as off limits to all beings! This means you and applies equally and across the board to extra terrestrial aliens as well. From this day forward and for a long time to come, this section of creation is a NO TRESPASSING zone and we’re building a fence around the entire space. Not so much as to keep trespassers out as to keep the humans in. The Lard thy God has deemed it wise and best for all concerned. You see, humans just don’t work or play well with others. You humans are a seriously grave threat to the security of creation and so the Lard has deemed you all a threat level code red. Are you getting all of this?�
“NO TRESPASSING signs have been posted at regular intervals around Earth’s orbit and the surrounding space/time continuum is officially posted ‘no trespassing’ as well. Violators will be shot with extreme prejudice. Tasering and special rendition are also a possibility. All humans may consider themselves as ‘detained’ and as ‘enemy combatant designees’, divine military tribunals might be a consideration at some future date. We’ll have to get back to you on that point. No you may not have outside counsel, nor may you have access to the Supreme Judge’s Court. No phone calls, showers will be limited to one every two weeks, and commissary privileges may be revoked at any time. Human behavior has reached an extreme boiling point and this is for your own good. Mercy people, get a grip on yourselves! Thus spake the Lard thy God and the Archangel Wally is witness. Now, make six billion copies of that and spread it around. See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!�
Well, there you have it and directly from the Archangel Wally. I’m going to need some printer cartridges and loads of paper. Six billion copies? Yikes, there go the trees.
Author’s Note- for the Puritangelical hyper-histrionic types, this is metaphorical satire. Suck it up and to quote Sen. John Insane, “get a life!� Whoops, there it is!